Curtis made me a Mum and influenced who I am today.
 
Before I get into it I just want to highlight that this is my own personal experience - I’m not claiming to know how every mother feels - but I’m sure many of you will relate.
 
When I first become a Mother it was like unlocking the next level on a game and then trying to play it wearing a blindfold, man sized gloves, rollerblades and having 5 people talk to me all at the same time.
 
It was the biggest shift in my life ever!
 
I was exposed to perceptions, fears and feelings that only come with being a Mother.
 
I gained practical skills, psychological challenges, understandings and a whole host of experience that only came with being a Mother.
 
I believe our children are our greatest teachers. They highlight our weaknesses, our flaws and generally show us we haven’t mastered ourselves yet. They know exactly how to push our buttons.
 
They also bring out the best in us - we sacrifice without question for our children, we would give our last breath for our children and would sacrifice our life for our children.  We love them unconditionally, we want more for them than we want for ourselves, and they make us want to be the best person we can be to give them a good example to follow. 
 
 
 
 
Curtis lived life to the full on his own terms. He loved wholeheartedly, cared uncompromisingly, was gentle and forgiving, cheeky and witty, incredibly intelligent and was passionate and excited about his future. 
 
Curtis was very much influenced by his Granddad Harry in his early years - he was his hero. His Granddad was very family orientated and loved having his children and Grandchildren around him.
 
Curtis spoke to me often about his burning desire to buy a home, marry and have children.  He was working hard to clear his debt and save a deposit for a home.
 
Throughout the first 12 years of his life he’d seen me struggle to bring him and Savana up alone - working full time and having to be a single parent as their dad - like many other military families - was absent most of the time.
 
Sean then came into our lives and provided Curtis with a different view of being a man, a dad, a provider and of family life. 
 
Sean taught Curtis how to shave, drive a car, how to dress appropriately for interviews and business meetings – much to his friends amusement - and he taught him how to be ‘dapper’.
 
Curtis told me he aspired to be like Sean - to be a true gentleman, to be kind and gentle and treat people well. 
 
He had old fashion views and values about dating, the way you treat ladies, provide for your family and raise your children.  
 
He wanted to be a real hands-on-dad, to be present in their lives and provide for his family so that his wife could stay home and raise their children.
 
He was always quick to add however that if his wife wanted to work she could of course - equality an’ all.
 
He wanted his home to be right next door to Sean and I - so we could help raise his children - our grandchildren.
 
He told me he wanted me to ‘work my magic’ on his children - help raise them as I’d done him and Savana - “cause we turned out ok mum” he used to say to me. What better compliment could a mother receive from her own child?
 
He loved his sisters with a passion and was incredibly protective of them. Even in his younger years through the challenges he and Savana experienced - his first thoughts were always to protect his sister.
 
This love and protection extended to Sean and I - demonstrated more recently when he spent literally weeks on the run up to Christmas working on Sean’s jag XK8 to get it back on the road. He knew how much Sean loved his jag and Curtis loved Sean.
 
The car had been garaged for some time needing work - Curtis did all the work to get it back on the road for Sean as a Christmas present. 
 
This love and protection was demonstrated even more recently with me. As many of you know - I now have Curtis’ old BMW. All the time he had the car he nagged and nagged me to use it whenever I had long journeys or was driving Seraphina.
 
He’d say “mum it’s a really safe car, I haven’t managed to roll it, flipped it, or crash it - please drive it - it’ll keep you both safe”.
 
 
 
Thanks to the help of Jason and Theo – Curtis’ old Beamer is now back home with me.  They made sure it was road worthy after Curtis’ attempts to flip it, roll it, crash it - ensuring it was a safe car.
 
Now Curtis is watching over us and continuing to protect us from his heavenly home.
 
Curtis loved sports cars, particularly the Nissan 200sx - it was his Granddads car and since his passing in 2009 both Curtis and Savana have been hell bent on getting one.
 
Curtis reminds me a lot of my dad. He chose to drive a sports car instead of say a 4x4. He chose to drive it like he stole it rather than like a grandma, his cars were his grownup toys.
 
Curtis loved the acceleration of sports cars - and believed at a young age that the more exhausts a car had - the faster it went. He and Savana would drop Granddad in it when they’d been out with him in his car- declaring to me on their return ‘Granddad got airtime mummy’.
 
Curtis was a 23yr old, Intelligent, handsome and fit young man with lightening fast reactions …………………..a recipe for disaster- he thought he was invincible.
 
The truth is we are not invincible- we are mortal, our bodies are amazing and accommodating but they are fragile.
 
Our technology has outgrown our ability to survive it.
 
We have cars that have so much technology in them they practically drive themselves.
 
They have so many safety features to protect the person inside the vehicle that following an accident a person may not even have a scratch on them.
 
This protection however does not extend to the insides of our bodies.
 
Our bodies are not designed to travel at high speeds or more importantly to then stop suddenly.
 
I know this may sound morbid but I want this message to sink into the hearts and minds of the people in this room – particularly Curtis’ young car scene friends.
 
You only have one body- take care of it- where else are you going to live?
 
 
 
As I said Curtis lived life to the full - and like many young adults - would throw around the common phrase YOLO - ‘you only live once’.
 
This is very true- we do only live once. but I caution you - particularly the younger ones of you here today.
 
Enjoy life, live it - but find some balance to the risks you will be taking - so you live long enough to make the most of it.
 
Curtis’ life was cut short, his dreams were left unfulfilled, he left many broken hearts behind – perhaps he hadn’t quite got the balance right.
 
 
 
Some very caring and loving friends have tried to ease the pain by telling me that God took him early because he needed him, or that he’d learnt all he needed to learn here.
 
I thank them for their comforting words and perhaps they are right - perhaps not.
 
Perhaps Curtis’ life was cut short because of decisions he’d made, risks he took and the imbalance.
 
I believe there is a plan to our lives but I also believe we are given the freedom to make our own choices and of course live with the consequences- whatever they may be - which sometimes includes dying.
 
That said - Curtis is ok - depending on your beliefs or lack of - he’s just gone or gone on to somewhere better.
 
However those of us left here without him are not ok. We are grieving - mourning the loss of someone so vibrant and loving from our lives.
 
I’ve struggled to believe that Curtis is ‘gone’ - not because I can’t process it due to the grief- but because I truly believe he hasn’t gone- he’s still here around us.
 
As most of you will know I’m a nurse so I generally look at life through the filter of my nursing glasses. 
 
Savana and I often discussed the nuances between humans and other animals. 
 
Savana is incredibly knowledgeable about animals - in fact what she doesn’t know about animals probably isn’t worth knowing.
 
 
 
Savana would often tell me how animals could see, hear, feel, smell and sense things that we could not as humans because our sensual spectrums are different.
 
A simple way to explain this is the dog whistle. 
 
A dog whistle gives off a sound at a certain pitch that falls outside of the human auditory spectrum – simply put - humans can’t hear it. 
 
But dogs can - the sound is there but we just can’t hear it.
 
This is how I see the spirit world. It mostly falls outside of our human spectrum of senses.
 
I know for sure that Curtis is nearby and his spirit fills this room.
 
It’s just whilst my spirit resides in this earthly body I am restricted in my senses - I can’t see, hear or feel the world in which his spirit resides.
 
But there is a way.
 
If I can free my physical body of the toxins and impurities we consume - that mess with our functionality, if I can still my mind and be open to the quiet gentle murmurings from the spirit world - there are moments when I feel his gentle presence, sense what he is communicating to me, feel his love surrounding me and know - that he is here and he is ok.
 
Friends have shared with us – strange things they’ve experienced in the days and weeks following Curtis’ death – which in their view – has been Curtis being mischievous from the spirit world.  I believe them!
 
I think in the early days after we lose someone – our hearts are broken, our minds are foggy as we block out the reality of the world we live in and retreat to the safety and comfort of our inner selves.  From here – we sit on the fringes of the spirit world and are as close as we can be to the loved one we have lost.
 
Curtis has touched the lives of so many people – he has left loving memories in the hearts and minds of people scattered far and wide.
 
Curtis - my son - enriched my life beyond my capability to describe it to you.
 
He made me a mother and allowed me to see through the eyes of a mother what pure and perfect love is.
 
He helped mold me in to the woman I am today.
 
And now he has gone from my mortal life he has left a hole that is beyond comprehension. But I know for sure – when my day comes – I will once again hold my son in my arms and share the love I had with him here on earth.